By: Lime Green Giraffe Event Director, Emily B.
Disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer: it would behoove you or be in your best interest to not use any advice and/or tips in this article. For that matter, don't even take this article seriously!
Ladies, it’s that time of year. The time of cheap candied hearts and cheesy cards, but if you’re anything like me, then you are desperately single. That’s completely fine! Us single women get to enjoy the luxuries of 50% off candy at Walgreens the day after Valentine’s Day. Yup, living the dream. Ok, yes, I understand that an oversized sweater that smells like cologne would be nice. Ok, yes, I know that you are vicariously experiencing love through your friend's relationships. No, no you should definitely not date one of your cats (not a good idea).
Between you and me, I do have a crush. Yea, I’ve liked him for a year and I think things are starting to pick up. Like yesterday, he asked me what my name was. Take it from me, a professional in the art of dating (jk not really), I know how to get your crush to like you. Of course, it’s important that you know when he doesn’t like you, so that you don’t push the limits. For example… lemme think… like if he told you to stop creating Insta accounts because he is tired of blocking you. These are hard to come up with… or like when his lacrosse friends tell you that your sign is too distracting during a game (lol). Something like that would probably be bad. And you know you’ve gone too far when he mentions to you in the middle of science class that his mom is angry about the bushes she planted having gaps and holes in them (not cool. 10/10 don't recommend). Yea, I highly recommend rethinking your priorities if that happens.*
DO NOT FRET! I have a solution. Just take a deep breath and hug those throw pillows on your bed. Ask these questions. “Am I committed?” “How badly do I need that sweatshirt?” “Is acting more reasonably an option?” If your answers fall along the lines of yes, very, and definitely not, then you are ready. There is only one choice: fake your death (there are plenty other better options, let's not go into them).
There’s this saying, and it goes somewhere along the lines of, “It only takes seven people to put you in contact with the President.” So more or less within the numbers of 1-7 people you’ll find a way to contact anyone through networking. If you’re faking your death then use your contacts to get in touch with someone who works at a morgue. As you walk through, find the person closest to your appearance. This may take a few weeks and many different facilities because you want a good match. At this point in time your conscience may be saying, “No, no, no, very bad idea,” but just remember that you are only borrowing your look-alike for a short period of time. Now that we got past that part, let’s take some action!
Good places to leave your look-alike, (I’m gonna call her Becky) Becky: In a public bathroom, on a raft anchored in a river, or simply in your room.
Bad places to leave Becky: Carnival grounds, your locker, or in a forensics lab.
RUN YOU SINGLE WOMAN, RUN! Don't wait around, you've got to leave your community and go into hiding! Soon enough your family will coordinate a funeral which you'll attend, but before then you must adult and live on your own. You'll need water (I'm sure Coca-Cola is fine too), food (ramen noodles are cheap just get those), and shelter.
Good places to hide: a cave
Bad places to hide: a cave with a bear
Once you've gotten word of your funeral by spending countless hours spying around your house like James Freaking Bond, then plan what you'll wear. Some of my preferred options are a black dress with a veil, a black button-down with a fedora, or a reaper costume. When you're there it's vital that you don't say anything! Just stand there! Most likely your crush will be attending the service considering the word would have gotten out in your school and he's madly in love with you but refuses to admit it.
It's almost time. Time to come out of hiding and finish what you've started. This moment MUST be perfect. Find your crush’s address (though I assume you already have it) and ring his front door bell. When he opens he will be overwhelmingly shocked about your appearance. Don't allow him time to speak because this is when you say the most important sentence of your life. The grabber, the line that hooks and pulls him into your everlasting relationship that has always been meant to be!
“I never thought how it'd be to live without you until I was forced to!” Or “Everything I've been through has been for you, all for you and now I'm ready to admit how much you mean to me.” Or “Speaking from experience, it hurts to fall from heaven, but I'd do it again to be with you!” Yup! It's that simple! Instant boyfriend! * Extra disclaimer: Some jokes were made about behaviors that would be considered stalking. Let’s get serious though, stalking is high-key creepy and just don't. If you feel as though you are being stalked, please check out this website for more info (http://victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking-information) and chat with a trusted adult.
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